When Animals Attack

Animals are an enigmatic bunch. One minute they’re longing for your affection, rolling around on the floor while you tickle their bellies as they’re looking lovingly up at you with their bedroom eyes. The next minute they’re thieving your chips and using your face as a scratching post. Here are some examples of the latter: animals being big bloody bullies.

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Knibbling Knut

While this Knut-like toddler polar bear’s nibble on this unassuming denim legged chap may not be among the most gratuitous of animal attacks, its adorable appeal knows no bounds. Look at the way it grapples at that ankle like a gentle, furry, miniature Hulk Hogan, as the victim tries to shake it off like an idle nuisance. A few years down the line as well little one, and you’ll be ripping that appendage right out of its socket.

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Squid pro quo

This poor yellow anorak bearing fisherman did not expect this bold surprise when he went out for a Sunday evening angling session. Inadvertently catching a squid it appears, is not the most sensible of ideas, unless you want a face full of nature’s self-defence oil slick. It may be used as a food colouring in some of the world’s most delightful delicacies, but that doesn’t mean you want it dispensed directly down your gullet. At least this guy’s lacklustre vision meant the squid ink was kept a out of his eyes, a bit. No doubt this cephalopod got its just deserts when it was deep-fried and scooped up with a dollop of mayonnaise. That’ll learn it.

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The camel that ate the lady’s head

Camels may be known for having a gazillion eyelids and spitting more than Johnny Rotten outside Buckingham Palace, but they don’t usually make headlines for chomping down on craniums. This opportunistic swine just couldn’t keep its temptations at bay when presented with the occasion to give this lady an impromptu wet willy. A surprise tongue in the ear must be right up her street though, going by the look on her face. Or is that one of those awkward laughs that is really just stifling her unremitting fear? Who knows?

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Trunk on the junk

This scene is playing out like a slightly more lethargic Jurassic Park, or a Volkswagen advert championing the build quality of their vehicles’ roofs when faced with the might of an elephant’s trunk. Not quite as terrifying as the pre-historic muscle of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but I’m pretty sure Jeff Goldblum would still be quaking in his boots with that elongated conk plonked centimetres above his head. One more step from the elephant too, and it will be game over for the VW and its ill-fated inhabitants. I guess that’s what you get when you drive through a safari park in what, to an elephant, is a lovely metal shelf for their face shaft. Those things are pretty heavy, y’ know.

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He shield not have done that

I feel like there is something altogether too planned about this here animal attack. Who on earth keeps a makeshift riot shield on hand for when their pet emu goes all Tottenham youth circa summer 2011 on your ass? This bare-legged, leather hat wearing Steve Irwin wannabe, apparently. I really want to know what he’s done to rile his feathered friend so much it wants to go head first through a sheet of metal to enact its revenge.

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Eye of the goose

This photo plays out like a gag reel scene from Rocky’s training sequence, if Sly Stallone dabbled with the androgynous fantasy of becoming a college-aged middle-distance runner. I think Ivan Drago must have popped some bird feed in her bra strap too while subsequently starving these Canadian geese for a few days to lead them into a fervent, famished fury.

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Monkey business

These cheeky chimps are really going to show that there is some weight to the notion that monkeys are conniving little blighters. Pilfering through this poor families belongings, it goes to show that you should definitely make sure that if you are in cohabitation with primates, try to keep everything ever behind a closed door. I do question the shocked look on the hapless victim’s face. I’m not sure how hasty the thievery of chimps is, but it looks like they’ve been at it for awhile. Enough time to browse the wares, pick their favourite garments and toiletries and rip off a wing mirror for the hell of it. Why she doesn’t use the opportunity to take her foot and put it on the gas and burn rubber the hell out of monkeytown is beyond me.

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He ran because he couldn’t bear to shoot it

If it wasn’t for the unparalleled power of polar bears, this looks like a classic slapstick comedy piece. The one where you’re eye balling someone else on the opposite side of an untraversable space, one trying to chase down the other, both waiting for the moment that the other makes a move to continue the cyclical pursuit. Who plays the victim and who plays the assailant doesn’t really need to be named in this encounter, there’s a gait of fear and one of assured hunger, put it that way. Our chap in the blue coat looks to be going for his only means of escape: the driver side door. Although quite whether this white furry bear will let a pane of glass keep him at bay from his quarry will have to remain a mystery.

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You have to train with the best to make it to the big time

This is one way to teach your little one how to play rugby: put it on a pitch up against an angry alpaca. The furry little cousin of a camel appears to be an admirable adversary to the little blond nipper, although it I’m not sure how it would fare when it’s on the attack, even if it is does have impressive defensive capabilities. Those cloven hooves aren’t going to get a great deal of a grip on that egg-shaped ball, and that grass eating pie hole is not going to make much of a sporting receptacle either.

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A ceremonial gore

If you play with fire, you are going to get burned. Someone should maybe have reminded these poor sods of that truism in the south Indian state of Kerala. At a ceremonial festival in 2007 an elephant wasn’t a fan of being wrapped up in shiny, golden head gear and paraded around for all and sundry and decided to go on a bit of a rampage. His trainer, who should probably have done his job a wee bit better, perished in the incident and more than 20 unfortunate bystanders were injured by the raging Dumbo.